In Honor of Susan

I am going to take a break in my journal posts to honor the half sister that I recently lost.

 In Honor of Susan 

When I first met my birthfather, Dr. Bill, he wanted me to meet his daughter very much. He was so proud of her talent. He thought we could bond with our mutual love of performing on stage. Susan was living in Oklahoma City. She was working as a psychologist. So, I called Susan the day after meeting Dr. Bill. I introduced myself and said that I would like to get to know her. Her response was very cold. She said that she frankly had NO desire to know me. That was my first negative reaction from one of my biological family. There were reasons for her response that I did not know or understand at the time. 

Years passed without our speaking again. Dr. Bill tragically passed away in a sudden car accident in 2005. I saw her in person for the first time at the funeral. I was very nervous, but, she and her brothers treated me kindly. They allowed me to sit with the family. We rode in the family car.

 I got the information to contact Susan. She had moved to Ohio by this time. I called her and we had a nice and civil talk. I reminded her of our first talk. She did not remember saying that to me. However, she did explain her feelings. She had been extremely hurt by her father's betrayal of her mother when he divorced her to marry his nurse, Anne. Then to have me show up was a stark reminder that Dr. Bill had cheated on Maxine. So with that in mind, I could very much understand her first response to my call in the beginning of my reunion with the family. She still had some hurt and pain from our father's actions. I will say that I found it interesting. I was grateful that I did not grow up knowing Dr. Bill. I had no ill feelings toward him when he passed. For me, he was nothing, but, a eccentric kind older man that I loved dearly. 

After this conversation, Susan and I developed a comfortable friendship. We spoke infrequently, however, I enjoyed our talks. After moving to Ohio, she gave up her practice and began performing on stage. She starred in several musicals around the area. I was very proud of her talent. She was born exactly 10 years before me. Now, she was living out her dream of performing. I dreamed of singing with her at some point.

 This summer, my dream of performing with her came to an end. I awoke one morning to discover a FB post saying that she had an advanced stage of ALS. I was shocked and dismayed. I cared for patients with this disease, so I knew what this would mean for her. I called her and spoke to her husband. I was not able to speak to her because she had lost the ability to speak due to the disease. The following week, on the day that I wrote about it being the anniversary of my first speaking to my birthmother, I learned from FB that Susan passed away. My heart was broken. 

Though Susan and I would never be like sisters raised together, I was glad to have known her. I hope she is singing and dancing again in heaven with Dr. Bill and Maxine. 

I created this video from pictures from her Facebook page. Sadly, I do not have any of us together. The link is to the video on YouTube. 

http://youtu.be/AlYLNMU_Irk/AlYLNMU_Irk

Chapter 11 Reunion with my Mother

July 31, 2014 

24 year anniversary of the day I first spoke to my birthmother 

Our first meeting

As I look at my journal written in real time, I realize that I failed to write about the actual visit to Florida. It was so momentous that I believed it would stay with me always. There are videos recorded so I guess that was my record. Pictures were taken of which I will share a few. I will write what I recall. 

The anticipation was overwhelming. How would we get along? Would we connect with each other? Would we relate to one another? Would we like each other? Questions were flooding my mind. I flew to Jacksonville, Florida alone. I could not wait to get there. When we were leaving the plane I told a stewardess about my story. She took my camcorder and filmed our reunion. It was beautiful. We saw one another at the same time. There was a recognition in our eyes. We ran into one another's arms. She hugged me tightly as if she did want let me go. We both shed tears. My adoptive mother had commented when I was a teen she did not know how I got such big feet. She only wore a size 8. I wore 9 1/2. Perhaps, because I was not born to her? 😉 The very first question I asked my birthmother was what size shoe she wore. She said 9 1/2. That was my first feeling of belonging in a family. 

We hugged and touched hands often. It was a feeling similar to falling in love, though, not in a romantic way. It was a euphoric heady feeling. This has been documented in reunion stories universally. I liken it to a genetic knowing. When a person is not adopted, they take seeing theirselves in their family's DNA for granted. It is just a part of life. For adoptees we never have that continuity until we give birth to our own children. 

My brother and sister were at my mother's house. We had a wonderful visit. I related very well to my siblings. My sister told me about her dream she had in April that she had two little sisters that were missing. I teased Shirley about that. Her answer to me was, "We won't talk about that now." Well, that was a rather cryptic interesting answer. When we were all sitting around visiting, we noticed how we all talked with our hands in the same way. Strange little likenesses were that I was drawn to collecting frogs beginning in my teens. My daughter did the same thing. My birthmother collected frogs. My birthmother and I share a love of licorice gum. My birthmother and I are both avid readers. 

This is a good place to fill in the basic circumstances of how I came to be. My father, Dr. Bill, his two brothers and his father were doctors at the Hubbard hospital. They were all veterans from WWII as well. My mother worked as an ex-ray tech. Her husband was in the army. He was stationed in Germany. She had three children. She did not have a car. Dr. Bill was also married with three children. He would often drive her home. One thing led to another and they had an affair. When she became pregnant they did discuss options. She said with him being a physician, abortion was not out of the question. However, it was her choice to give birth to me. She continued to work there until close to her time. She discovered her husband was coming home early when she was a month from her due date. She plotted with the doctor that was treating her. He admitted her to the old Edmond Hospital and induced labor a month early. I weighed only 4 lbs. I always knew I was a small baby. I was rather sad for my small self being ripped from the familiar warmth of her body too soon and given to strangers. I was told that I was a fussy baby. I believe that was the primal wound to my soul. Being taken from my biological mother where I felt safe, knew the smells and the sound of her voice set me on a course of confusion when I was too young to understand. 

She came back to Hubbard Hospital and told my father that I was stillborn. She knew he would not agree to have me adopted, I believe. He told me as much many times. He was quite bothered that he did not know that I lived. My grandfather, Dr. John C. pulled her into his office alone. He grilled her aggressively. He wanted to know what she did with that baby. She stuck to her story. He did not believe her.

Do you remember that biography that I discovered written about my grandfather? It was written in the year I was born. The last sentence in the book says, "All is well with the Hubbards." I was tickled when I read that because clearly not ALL was well with the Hubbards. 😉

Interestingly, at the time I was born, both of my parents were Protestant Christians. Dr. Bill was a Quaker turned Methodist. Shirley was a Presbytarian, I believe. My memory fails me at the moment. When I found them, they had both converted to Church of the Latter Day Saints independent of one another. At the time of our reunion, I was attending a Baptist church. I no longer practice organized religion, though, I remain a spiritual person of faith. The difference in our faith was a sticking point with Dr. Bill. He tried every which way to convert me, until I finally set boundaries letting him know I accepted him as he was. He would have to accept me as I am. 

Now, I return back to the journal written in 1990. 

August 27, 1990 

1:25 pm 

I am sitting in the Savannah airport waiting for my plane to leave to return home to my life's mate and dear companion and my two precious children. I am quite thoughtful at this moment as I have such mixed emotions. The man in the seat next to me gave me this paper after I shared my story and told him I felt the urge to write. He was quite touched with our story and, in fact, got tears in his eyes. That is what this does for people. How truly amazing. 

I am pondering life at this moment. What is the purpose of it all? From the moment I was created this time was ordained. We have been being prepared through the years to arrive at this place in time. We have gone through trials and pain, but never more than we could bear. Through the trials, we learned things to make us more compassionate toward others and through that we are able to touch people. 

I have never been particularly close to other women. I guess it's a competition thing, perhaps, or because women have hurt me. But, I now have in Mother a friend who I can be completely open with and know that it is okay. She and I have a real connection with one another. It is hard to comprehend, but we can be ourselves and hopefully we can help each other through some of the haunting memories of our past lives. I shared with her about the trauma in my childhood. Sadly, she also survived childhood abuse.  I know from experience that it is very important to be able to share feelings to get that poison out of souls. Communicating through writing or talking is very healing for me.

 I find it extremely difficult to leave Florida. I feel so at home there. I just want to plant myself in the midst of this family and bask in the love and joy I feel. That is not at all meant to take away from Jimmy and the children. I want to drag them with me to live near my family. I realize this is not possible, but I can have dreams now, can't I? I have missed so many years with Mother, Faith, and Madison and I need to be near to catch up.

 The situation with the Willingham's is perplexing to say the least. I have wanted to divorce myself from them so many times in the past I can not count. To be honest, a part of me feels relief that Ruth broke the ties. I feel duty bound though; obligated to care just because of the sheer number of years of connection we have had. People have said, "giving birth does not make a woman a mother." Well, adopting a child and providing for physical needs while neglecting the inner soul does not make one a mother either. Who knows what is right on this earth? Only our Father in heaven has all the answers. If Ruth never comes around, this I know for sure, I will be fine. It is truly her problem and I will no longer accept responsibility for her actions. God's love and time will heal the bitterness I feel and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

 

Chapter 10 Getting to Know My Dad A Bit More

August 19, 1990 

I sang and gave a short testimony at an outdoor worship service. Bill and Anne came. He did not mind my telling people he is my father. In fact, I think he was proud. Annie seemed to be pleased with things as well. She and Jimmy hit it off from the beginning. They are cute together as Annie only comes about to Jimmy's waist! Bill made the statement to my friends that I am the only one of his that uses my God-given talent for music. He was just being a stinker with saying that. He liked things to be a certain way. I found him charming, but, he was used to being in charge. 😃 Later in life, his daughter began to perform professionally off Broadway. She is very talented. He was very proud of her as, am I.

He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a father. I told him that I love him when he hugged me at the hospital the next day.The strange thing is I do! I've only known him one week and I already love him. 

I leave for Florida in just two days. I can hardly wait. I have had a natural desire to find my roots for about two years now. I sure did not know what I was getting into at the time. I have learned how much genetics play a part in what you are. I never fit in with my family growing up. It was like oil and water, we did not mix. There was never a real bond because we could not understand one another. I felt like a freak many a time when we thought so differently about life. I will always care about Earl and Ruth because of all the years we have shared, but everyone that knows me well has heard me mourn the fact that we were never close. I have struggled to forgive the transgressions I underwent. But I KNOW without a doubt that I have truly been given a gift of a set of parents and siblings that I can now be myself with. NO MORE SECRETS! It feels SO good. My deepest prayer now is that Mom and Dad can understand this. 

 Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." 

How I know this to be true now deep within my soul. I have never been this happy and excited in my whole life. I just hope that I can always be careful to give God the glory for this mighty miracle. This closes the chapter on my search for my parents. But it is not an ending at all. It is a beginning of a brand new life filled with love for two new families that I am so proud to be a part of. I am grateful to all of these people for wanting to share their lives with me. I pray that I won't be a disappointment to them. If I could have picked parents when I began this search, I would have chosen Shirley and Bill. They are truly more than I could have ever hoped for. 

Looking back, this most certainly was only a beginning. I had no idea the spiral this would trigger within me. Issues from a traumatic childhood would begin to haunt me. My family would be affected in negative ways. The highs were high. But, the valleys were low as well. The decade of my 30 's were the hardest emotionally. At times, it seemed it would never end. But, it did get better. More on that later. My trip to Florida next. I promise...😃

Note: The first time I performed for my father I was nervous and insecure. I was anxious for his comment. His response? Dipthongs! You need to watch your dipthongs! Not what I expected or wished to hear, but, strangely very much in line with Dr. Bill. 😉

Annie, Dr. Bill and myself at an outdoor revival....

Annie, Dr. Bill and I a humorous moment. 

Chapter 9 My Father Comes Around

August 14, 1990

The next day, Dr. Bill called me and said he had something for me. He asked me to come to his house so I could meet his wife, Annie. We had a very comfortable talk. He still said he could not remember. But, regardless, he told me stories about his family. He spoke proudly of his son who is a doctor, his other son and his daughter who is also a singer. Annie is a jewel as well. They wanted to talk to Shirley to see if she could jog his memory. I called her first to make sure it was alright for him to call her. She said okay, but was really skeptical about his not remembering. At about 9:00 p.m., Dr. Bill called me and said, "She's right. You are my daughter." He said he seemed to recall a red nightgown. Shirley said she never owned a red nightgown. LOL! But, something she said jogged his memory. Annie talked to me as well saying, "We are ready and willing to accept you into our family as our daughter." They both want to meet with Shirley if she comes to OKC soon. This whole reaction blew my mind! 

In spite of a fear of the unknown, I always deep inside thought my mother would need to at least see me once for her own peace of mind. I think I would if I had given up a child. But, I NEVER in my wildest dreams expected to find an accepting father, let alone his dear wife as well. There is no doubt that this is from a Higher Power.  Later in the week, I was sitting in my office at the hospital where I work. I heard an overhead page for Dr. Bill Hubbard to ICU. He had admitted a patient into my hospital. I had never seen him there before. He just came there to run into me. He brought me a tape of his singing. He has visited me in my office twice when he made his rounds.

August 18, 1990 

I took my family to his house.We had a nice visit. It was storming when we left. We ran some errands on the way home. When I walked in the door the phone was ringing. It was Bill checking to make sure we were alright. He had seen the news there were some bad storms out our way. I felt so good. That was just like a dad! 

The first visit with my dad and my kids.

I think I look like my dad. 

This is short, I know. But it is a good stopping point. Coming up, I fly to Florida to meet my birthmother and siblings. ❤️❤️❤️

Part 8 to My Story

August 6, 1990 

I went to the library on the way home from work. Shirley had told me that there was a book written about the Hubbard’s at one time. On the way home from work I decided to go to the OU Medical School Library to look at the yearbook to find a picture of Dr. Bill. As an afterthought, I stopped at the Downtown Library to look for the book Shirley told me about. I typed in the name Hubbard under authors and sure enough there was a book.  It was in a special room not to be checked out, but they told me I could have it sent to that library from Bethany. I filled out the paperwork to have it sent and then asked if I could look at it. When I found it the first page I opened had a picture of Dr. Bill as a young man. I again had that familiar feeling of cold chills because I could see myself in his eyes! It felt so spectacular to see a family resemblance. The book is called "An Oklahoma Rebel, The Life Story of Dr. John C. Hubbard." He was my grandfather. This book was such a gift. It has many pictures, including my great-grandparents, grandparents, siblings, uncles and cousins. I decided right then and there that I could not wait to have the book sent, so, I drove to Bethany to check it out that evening. 

Here is a link for the book. There are copies available. It is a rather interesting biography of my grandparents. They met as traveling actors/singers in OklahomaTerritory before it became a state. He became a doctor and opened Hubbard Hospital in OKC in the 1920's. He was instrumental in the creation of the Civic Center in OKC. His mother was a very active Quaker minister in OKC. She was a published poet. Elbert Hubbard who was an American artist, publisher, author and philosopher was my grandfather's cousin.  

 

http://www.amazon.com/OKLAHOMA-REBEL-Life-Story-Hubbard/dp/B000ICILX8/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1406007804&sr=8-6&keywords=An+Oklahoma+rebel

This is Hubbard Hospital. It was open from the 1920's until the 1970's. 

My Grandfather and grandmother. 

Dr. John C. Hubbard, self described as an Oklahoma rebel. My grandpa, I wish I had known him. 

Dr. Bill is on the left next to his brother, my uncle, Dr. John. 

When I arrived home, I had my first letter from Shirley. It contained pictures also. I have my mother's smile, I think. She is so cute. She looks like the kind of sweet mother you would want to just crawl up in her lap and snuggle. She also sent a family tree for me. Wow! In one day I suddenly had more information on my roots than most people do that are not adopted!

This was my mother a year before I was born. It is not the picture she sent in 1990. But, I like this one. Note the dimples my sister spoke about. 

This was me around the time that this was going on. 

 

One week passed from the time I got the book. I contacted the author of the book and he said he could sell me a copy. I wrote a letter putting my feelings in it to give to Dr. Bill, but I was unsure of how I was going to get it to him. 

August 13, 1990 

Eight weeks after finding out I was adopted, I went to buy the book. I was so blessed that the author had a book autographed by Dr. John C. Hubbard. When I left the authors house, I realized I was about a block away from my father's office. I prayed because I had been fearful of confronting Bill alone. I felt my core gut feeling say, "You don't need Jimmy, because, you are not alone. I am with you." I drove around the block several times and then sat in the parking lot watching patients coming and going for about fifteen minutes. Finally, I just got out of my car to go in. I had such a peace about it. My heart was pounding, but I felt now is as good a time as any. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? 

When I went in, the receptionist was on the phone and motioned for me to wait a minute. It was actually about five minutes but it seemed like an eternity. Just as the receptionist hung up the phone, Dr. Bill came out to the front desk. She asked if she could help me and I looked right at my father and said, "I have a letter to give to Dr. Hubbard." Then, I asked him if I could speak to him in private. 

We went into his office and I shut the door. I sat across the desk from him. I looked him straight in the face and said, "Dr. Hubbard, I am Katie. I am Shirley's daughter and that makes me your daughter, too." He denied ever having a sexual relationship with Shirley, but he was smiling in a sheepish kind of way the whole time we talked. I felt comfortable with him even though he was trying real hard to reject me. He is just too kind of a person to be mean, I think. I would not let him deny it. I heard what he was saying and then told him, "Well, I STILL am convinced that I am your daughter." I told him about myself and the traits I have that I know came from him. I talked about my career choice and how from the age of eleven I always wanted to work in a hospital. He listened intently and asked me questions. He was too interested for someone who could not possibly be my father! Then I told him about my singing talent. That intrigued him I think. He too sings in the church choir and sings tenor, I am a soprano. I gave him a tape of my singing. I was not planning to go to his office that day but I had my only copy of the tape in my purse. I felt led to give that to him. Before I left his office he hugged me tightly. He showed me pictures of his family also. I saw pictures on the wall. I told him, "I am absolutely sure you are my father now. Whoever that child is in that picture on your wall, he looks exactly like my son when he was small." He just laughed and hugged me again with no admissions. All this from a man who never had a sexual relationship with my mother. 😉

That night when I told Shirley about our conversation she said, "See? I TOLD Faith you were an immaculate conception! I never did anything wrong. The father even confirms that!" She has such a wonderful sense of humor. 

Well, I will stop there for now. It is late. I will get back to it soon. If you have questions or want to discuss your feelings, please do so on the FB Shepherd's Heart page. You may share articles, stories or thoughts to open up dialogue. I offer my story to inspire others to share or to search if desired. We adoptees also need to learn and hear from birth parents when possible. Here is the link to the FB page. 

https://www.facebook.com/shepherdsheartspot

❤️❤️❤️❤️✌️✌️🎵🎶

Part 7 to My Story

July 31, 1990 

The next night, I was anxiously awaiting 6:00 p.m. so I could call her and make sure this was real. Part of me was afraid it was all a wonderful dream. At 5:50 the phone rang and she said, "Hello, Karen. This is Shirley." Then she giggled. It was so cute. I thought, "Wow, I love this person. How strange and wonderful at the same time. She had told Madison and Faith about me. They were excited to know me. What a gift! I wanted brothers and sisters so desperately when I was a little girl. I talked to Faith for a long time. It was great to finally have a biological sister I could relate to. We too were at ease with one another. I opened up to her about things that even my closest friends do not know. She asked if I have dimples. When I told her I do, she asked if I had big blue eyes also. I said no, my eyes are green. She said, "Good. I was going to be mad if you got the dimples AND the blue eyes!" How cute that was. She said she hoped they did not smother me when I visit, and I thought, "Oh, go ahead. Smother me. I can take it!" I have been so starved for unconditional love from my own family and here I have a whole new group of virtual strangers sharing their life with me. Whatever did I do to deserve this treasure I have found? Shirley told me that Ellis passed away on this date 6 years ago. She said, "I lost a son on this date and now I have gained a daughter." What timing the Lord has when we wait on Him. 

August 1, 1990 

The next night, I fell asleep at 8:30 p.m. because I did not sleep the night before. I took off work that day and gathered pictures to send to her. I also made plane reservations. I called her to tell her of my plans and she said she could not wait to have me in her arms again. I melted when she said that. Thinking about it later I hoped she wouldn't be disappointed because I am this great big woman now. After I fell asleep, the phone rang and this man said, "Katie, this is your big brother, Madison, and I don't want to be left out of all the excitement!" We talked for about 30 minutes and he too made me feel so welcome into the family. I told him I always wanted a big brother to take care of me. Then I got older I wanted a brother so I could meet his friends. He said, "Well, you didn't miss much. My friends were pretty creepy!" I was on top of the world at this point! 

It took about a week for this to absorb. Then, I had the same need to know my father. I now had it confirmed that Dr. Bill is my father. Shirley called him the day after she and I first talked. She was trying to pave the way for me to contact him. That was such an unselfish thing to do for me. He did not respond positively and seemed to think I wanted something from him. He used the word balderdash somewhere in their conversation. Reminiscent of Ebenezer Scrooge in my mind. Over the next two weeks, I talked to Shirley and my new brother and sister several times. I wrote a letter to Dr. Bill, but, then could not mail it for fear someone else might read it. I decided the night Shirley told me of his negative reaction to let him "stew" on it for awhile. I felt with time to get used to the idea he might react more positively. I still thought that all I could hope for from him was maybe one conversation. I had him stereotyped in my mind like some of the arrogant womanizing young doctors I have encountered in my career. The type that seem to think the sun rises and falls because of their grand knowledge. 

Jimmy and his parents were worried about me. They, too, did not expect a good reunion with Dr. Bill. They all three at one time or the other gave their advice to hold off for a bit. They were afraid for me. Everything had been so positive up to that point; they did not want me to mess things up. But, the one detail they did not seem to realize was that God was leading me. I had no one else to depend on and I was listening in my spirit to His lead. You see, people are good intentioned and attempt to understand, but, nobody can really know how I feel. So, I listened to all the advice and appreciated their concern and then prayed and listened to my gut. 

I will stop here for today. My assumptions were very wrong about my father. I was blessed to have him in my life for as long as I did. I am adding a photo of the hospital where I was born. It is unique because it was over a theater. I joke that I was born to perform. ✌️❤️

Part 6 of My Story

July 28, 1990 

At 8:30 p.m.,  Cliff called and said, "Bring me what you've got and I'll find your mother." He was surprised at the amount of information I gave him. He said I should have been a detective. I realize, though, I was being lead by the Spirit. While at his house he called and had Shirley's traffic record checked in OKC. He found nothing. I said, "Wouldn't you know I would have the one person in Oklahoma for a mother that never had so much as a parking ticket. LOL!

July 29, 1990 

We observed the Lord's Supper in a.m. church. This service means a lot to me because it brings to mind afresh and anew the tremendous sacrifice God made when he gave us His only Son. I felt particularly close to God on this day. I went home and never left the the phone in case Shirley called. A friend of mine called her brother that lived in Jacksonville to see if the ad actually ran and if the information was correct. When the day ended without a call I felt disappointed because I figured she did not see the ad or did not care to contact me. 

July 30, 1990 

This is the day that will forever be engraved in my heart. When I got up I resolved to get some work caught and put this all out of my mind for awhile. So much for resolutions! 

At noon Cliff called. He said, "Have you got a pencil? Your sister's name is Faith Ann. You have a brother named Madison. I just talked to your brother. I am now awaiting a call back from your mother." He gave me their birthdays. My brother is 6 years older than me. My sister is 3 years older. I could not believe my ears! Cliff had gone to Dr. Hubbard's office. He told him he is a P.I. working on a case of an incident that happened at 1125 N.E. 20th (25-30) years ago. I was that incident. That was her address. 😉 He said that he knew the resident at that time was Shirley Phipps and she worked at Hubbard Hospital at one time. Dr. Bill had done surgery on Madison's foot in 1984 so there were records of recent employers. Cliff traced Madison through four former employers to Greenville, S. Carolina. He told the same story to Madison. Madison was wary of this strange call, but, took Cliff's number and said he would have his mother call back.

 I was on pins and needles all afternoon. I came home early and sat by the phone. At 6:30 p.m., I felt as though I was on the brink of something. I called Genie, my anchor in all this, and said talk to me. I know Genie has a very strong faith and powerful prayer life. At 7:00 p.m., I received a beep on call waiting. This very sweet voice said, "Is Cliff there?" Then there was a long silence after I said no. There are no words adequate to describe the feeling I had when I heard her voice. I KNEW at that very instant this was my mother on the phone with me. After a long pause, I said tentatively, "This is Karen." She answered in such a cute way, "Now, that's not what I asked you. Does Cliff live there?" I said, "No, he doesn't." She said, "Okay, thank you." and then hung up! When I got back to Genie I could not even talk. I had chills and my heart skipped several beats. I told her I would have to go because I know that was Shirley.

 Steve wasn't home so I called Martie, my mother-in-law. I told her what I thought and she felt that I was making something out of nothing. After all, people get wrong numbers all the time. She told me 2 months ago I would not  have thought anything about it. Then she said, "You do not  know any Cliffs  do you?" I said, "Martie! Cliff is the bounty hunter!" She said, "OH! I did not know his name! Well, in that case, then, yes, Katie, that may have been your mother." Thank you. 😉 We talked for about 15 minutes before she realized my point. I think she thought I was losing it. By the time I got her to understand my line of reasoning, Steve was home. He agreed with me that it must have been Shirley. It was almost 8:00 p.m. by now and I began watching Sunset Blvd. on the television. 

At 8:00 p.m. I could not stand the anticipation anymore. I said, "Steve, pray with me NOW!" We got on our knees before the Lord and I prayed aloud something like this. "Father in heaven, I feel right now that Shirley is scared. In the name of Jesus, I bind you Satan to get away from my mother right now! With the authority given me through the blood of Jesus, I command the spirit of fear and doubt to leave the heart of Shirley. I ask that you cover Shirley, Madison, and Faith with the power of your Holy Blood. How I praise you Father for the mighty works you have already wrought and I trust and believe for the miracles yet to come.” Writing this right now makes me relive this night and I am so filled with love for God and all of my family, new and old, like I have never felt before.

 Fifteen minutes after the prayer, the phone rang. When I answered, no one was there. I repeated hello a few times and finally, that same precious voice from the earlier call said rather resignedly, "Karen...This is Shirley." I said in a too high voice, "Really?" She said, "It's quite a shock, isn't it?" I couldn't believe it. At last I found her! But, being the analytical mind that I am, I said, "Okay, I know what your name was when I was born. You tell me so I'll know you are the right person." (I was a bit concerned by putting my number in the paper that I would find some nut playing a cruel joke.) She answered, "Phipps" I said, "You're right." Looking back on it, I feel embarrassed. I told her she was right like she had won a contest or something. OF COURSE, she knew her name. Then she asked if my husband, Cliff, had called her son, Madison, that day. I told her Cliff was a friend of mine and yes he did call Madison. She wanted to know what I wanted with Madison. How sweet that was to be so concerned for her 38 year old son. She sounded so scared and worried for him. I told her I did not want anything from him. It was her I wanted to find. Then we began to talk and after about 30 minutes I was at such ease with her. She was with me as well and gave me her name, address and phone number. We talked for 2 hours and I was so totally comfortable with her. We had a repoir like I never knew could exist between mother and daughter. I fell completely in love with her during that first phone call. When she hung up she said with such feeling, "I love you, Karen." I was hooked right then. I came in the living room and screamed, "She's normal! She has a healthy mind and we actually relate to one another!" WHAT A FEELING! It was a breath of fresh air after what I was used to in a mother-daughter conversation. I was so excited that I did not sleep that night. I kept re-playing over and over in my mind the moment when she said this is Shirley and when she told me she loves me. 

How it happened that Shirley made the call was as follows: When she got the message to call Cliff she was immediately suspicious. Madison lost the phone number, so Shirley called Victor to find out what was going on. He said he did not know. All he knew was that I told him for her to read the paper. He did not remember which paper. That is how she got the phone number to call me. So, the only really good things Victor did for us was tell me her name was Shirley, tell me the city of Jacksonville, and tell her to read the paper. The things he told me about Shirley not wanting to know me were not true. He also told her untrue things about me. Also, she had not asked for a picture of me. She realizes that would be unfair. She was scared understandably. She had no real idea what kind of person I am, or how I felt toward her. 

I will stop here for now. Wow, again, I am brought back to a defining moment in time. I really have no idea what kind of game Victor was playing with our lives or what the truth was. It does not matter in the long run. It is just frustrating the hoops adoptees have to jump through to gain access to basic facts that most people take for granted. This story of mine was written in real time as it happened. The feelings were authentic. The roller coaster was real. The pain went beyond just myself. It turned my family upside down. My children were in middle school. It was so unfair that they had to live through their mother falling apart before she could become whole again. The twisted thread of secrets and abuse runs long though we can untie it with help. It is a a journey that has ups and downs. ❤️